(SPOILERS AHEAD, so witch your step, Coven fans!)

Season Three, Episode 10: “The Magical Delights of Stevie Nicks”

Written by: James Wong; Directed by: Alfonso Gomez-Rejon

American Horror Story is back from Christmas break! With four episodes left this season, Ryan Murphy will be going full-fledged into zany storytelling as we try to find America’s Next Supreme. This week, Murphy draws from Cloud Atlas and Stevie Nicks lore to inspire his coven.

Quick Breakdown

We pick up where we left off, with Laveau seeking shelter at Chez Robichaux. She says some heartfelt words to Fiona, but how much do we trust her? (She could be trying to destroy them from the inside, right?) When Fiona leaves her to rest, a haunting figure emerges. An unrecognizable Lance Reddick appears as a voodoo-ized Old Georgie (the demonic Hugo Weaving character in Cloud Atlas) seeking his annual offering. Laveau rises out of bed and steals a baby from the hospital.

In the morning, Laveau comes clean about hiring Hank to murder the coven. Fiona slaps Cordelia for being so stupid as to marry a witch hunter. (I guess all the pride she earned from trying to murder Fiona has faded.) Laveau and Fiona decide to team up to take down these witch hunters — but first, there’s a visitor at the door.

Fiona pops into Misty’s room, acting strangely cheerful. Misty isn’t buying it, though; she knows Fiona just wants to kill her because someone said she could be the next Supreme. Fiona says that’s all poppycock and that she actually has a surprise for her favorite witch. Apparently, her white witch friend has stopped by for a visit. No, it’s not Tilda Swinton; it’s Misty’s idol Stevie Nicks (How exactly she’s such a gal pal with Fiona is left unexplained).

With Stevie in the house, the only thing she could do is sing. She performs “Rhiannon” while Misty prances about the living room. The girls — Madison, Zoe, Nan — return to the house and Madison is not amused with Fiona’s latest ploy. She’s instantly jealous of Misty and begins her own plotting. Before Stevie leaves, she gives her shawl to Misty. (Does she even know that they’re all witches? Is she really a “white witch?” What does that even mean?)

Nan and Zoe stroll into the hospital to visit Luke, but he has died. His body has been removed before Nan can get some closure, so the girls run over to the Ramsey house to find the body (and resurrect it). With some quick mind-reading interrogation, Nan learns that Joan has cremated her son (Not even Misty day could bring a pile of ashes back to life…right?). Nan becomes infuriated, seeing in Joan’s mind that she smothered her son with a pillow. She punishes Joan with a little mind control, forcing her to take a little bleach cleanse. Zoe looks on, horrified, paralyzed by Nan’s growing power.

Strolling along on a funeral march, Madison and Misty enjoy some grim girl time. Madison warns Misty that all these gifts she’s getting are down payments on favors from the future Supreme. Misty calls her cynical and jealous. Madison then reveals that she is a viable Supreme candidate, now that she’s been resurrected without a heart murmur. (Does that make her a viable candidate? Is being the Supreme not a preordained disposition?) She shows off her power by reviving the dead man in the casket, about to be buried. She then tells Misty to shed that awful shawl Stevie gave her and embrace her own identity as Misty Day. She hesitates, and Madison knocks her out with a brick. Misty’s body falls perfectly into the open, empty casket. Madison snags the shawl and closes the casket. She then orders the bewitched men to seal up the casket in its tomb.

Cordelia discovers the witch hunter hive. Hank’s father runs Delphi Trust, a suspicious corporation that they immediately surmise is the witch hunter control center. Fiona mocks Cordelia for not knowing that Hank had living family members (Apparently she never googled her own husband). Fiona and Laveau get to work on a nice spell to take down the hunters. Using a rat maze, a mousetrap, and wads of $100 bills, they curse Delphi Trust. As the SEC invades, Hank’s father quickly realizes the witches are to blame (I suppose he’ll be invading Robichaux’s next week).

After getting kicked out of the room during the Delphi Trust curse, Cordelia’s inadequacy issues grow exponentially. She feels like a useless witch, unsure of her place in the world. Myrtle tries to cheer up with eerie, soothing music and career advice. But Cordelia just throws vases on the ground instead.

In the midst of casting the spell, Fiona has a spill. Laveau takes her turn nursing Fiona. She asks Laveau how she can obtain the immortality that Laveau and LaLaurie have. Laveau reveals the truth about the voodoo man who visited her: His name is Papa Legba, and he’s a powerful demonic force who gave Laveau eternal life in exchange for her child’s life. Now, every year, he requests an innocent soul as payment. Lavaeu regrets selling her soul to him, and advises Fiona not to make the same mistake.

Fiona, of course, wants immortality more than anything, and summons the demon. He tells her she’ll have to kill someone she loves and give him her soul in order to obtain immortality. But when he makes out with her to steal her soul, he discovers she doesn’t have one. The deal is off, and he vanishes. Left with the realization that she is soulless, Fiona vows to just murder off all the girls vying for the Supremacy.

Nan, glowing in the death of Joan Ramsey, hears a baby’s cries. She finds a child locked in Laveau’s wardrobe and tries to shield the baby from Laveau’s murderous attempts. Fiona steps in, seeing an opportunity to exert her soullessness. She tells Laveau they could murder Nan for her (mostly) innocent soul and save the baby’s life. After a quick drowning, Papa Legba appears and the witches beg him to accept Nan’s tainted soul as his annual offering. He calls the two of them “big trouble” but takes Nan under his wing. She accepts her fate, and seems to make the most of an afterlife with Papa Legba.

The episode ends with a tagged on performance by Stevie Nicks (She had to appear again). She’s just hanging out with Fiona, serenading her with “Has Anyone Ever Written Anything for You.” While Fiona may not be able to answer that question in the affirmative, Jessica Lange certainly can — she’s playing that character right now.

Rating

A-

The addition of Stevie Nicks was delightful if squeezed into the episode, and Lance Reddick’s guest appearance provided some humanity for Laveau, a character that deserves it much more than LaLaurie. She and Fiona make a wonderful pair. Madison is proving herself to be as soulless as Fiona, and I can’t wait for their inevitable showdown. And I can’t wait to see who the Supreme will turn out to be. I don’t even want to guess; I just want Murphy to surprise me as much as possible.

Now for some random thoughts and my favorite moments of the night…

For those wondering about Queenie’s fate, the girls have a couple throwaway lines to establish that her demise is unconfirmed. I expect her to pop up soon (undead or alive).

After Misty faints upon seeing Stevie Nicks in the living room, Fiona says: “You owe me five bucks. I told you she was gonna do that.”

“I’m a huge Eminem fan. When’s he get here?” – Madison to Fiona

“It was clearly my destiny to die and be reborn just like our Lord and Savior.” – Madison

“Players only love you when they’re playing.” – Madison throwing

some Fleetwood Mac lyrics in Misty’s face

Yesterday, guitarists Warren Haynes and Derek Trucks announced their departure from the Allman Brothers Band. Of course, they’ll remain in the line-up until the end of the year, celebrating the band’s 45th anniversary with their annual residency at New York City’s Beacon Theater. Regardless, the announcement is an unexpected and heartbreaking blow — and it’s tough to imagine the band carrying on after their exit.

In light of this news, I decided to round up six essential recordings (either official studio or live albums) that showcase the guitar prowess of this incredible duo. This list could have easily been tripled in size, but at least it’s something. Feel free to mourn (and sound off on your favorites) in the comments section.

6. “Desdemona” (Hittin’ the Note)

This big-hearted ballad, co-written by Gregg Allman and Haynes, is the simmering centerpiece of Hittin’ the Note, touching the same mystical-blues sweet spot as Led Zep’s “Since I’ve Been Loving You.” And that’s just the first part: Trucks’ shrieking solo might be his finest performance on an Allmans studio album, and ditto Haynes’ ultra-jazzy section.

5. “Rocking Horse” (Hittin’ the Note)

Guitar madness. Highlight: Haynes’ soulful bent-note spree and tremolo frenzy around the three-minute mark.

4. “Firing Line” (Hittin’ the Note)

The opening track from the Allmans’ outstanding comeback LP Hittin’ the Note, “Firing the Line” is a riff showcase of the highest order. The solos and fills are exceptional, of course, but the main riff is the true beauty: Those cascading notes during the “hellhound on your trail” section are…wow.

3. “Instrumental Illness” (No Way Out)

This Grammy-nominated instrumental showcases the two guitarists’ distinctive styles: Haynes’ notes are resonant and filled with Betts-ian grace; Trucks, meanwhile (and in particular during his early solo) sounds like a malfunctioning dial-up modem. Riveting, visceral, explosive rock and roll magic.

2. “Dreams” (No Way Out)

Haynes’ extended solo is jaw-dropping, touching on Indian and jazz scales. I could listen to that man play that solo over that two-chord groove all day long.

1. “Whippin’ Post” (No Way Out)

Haynes is literally speaking in six-string tongues on this one, and Trucks get ethereal in a full-body rush of slide noise around the four-minute mark. Breathtaking.

Season Five, Episode Three: “Basic Intergluteal Numismatics

Written by: Erik Sommers; Directed by: Tristam Shapeero

This week’s Community: The Jeff Winger Show tackles the crime drama genre by way of The Killing, Hannibal, and David Fincher. Jeff and Annie team up again, giving shippers of the couple plenty of new material, while also mocking the sexual tension between all opposite-sex crime-solving couples.

Quick Breakdown

On a rainy day, as Shirley opens her sandwich shop in the Greendale cafeteria, the Ass Crack Bandit strikes again. (The Bandit was mentioned earlier in the series in a season two episode.) This prompts a Zodiac-inspired opening credits sequence of articles about the Ass Crack Bandit’s reign of terror.

The Dean addresses a swarm of press over the Bandit, before bringing the case to the gang. Psychology Professor Duncan returns to help them make a profile of the Bandit. Jeff volunteers to take the case, but doesn’t really care, until Annie comes to him with a new theory: The Bandit is a teacher.

Troy is attacked by the Bandit when bending over to grab a teddy bear. The teddy bear contains another note by the Bandit. Annie is even more infuriated, finally getting Jeff to take her seriously. They investigate the notes and discover that the notes are riffs on songs by the Dave Matthews Band. Annie performs a quick Internet search to discover which teachers fit the criteria.

Meanwhile, Troy uses his personal story to promote a new security system against the Bandit. But the Ass Crack Bandit strikes again while the school is on the bleachers. Chang is given some screen time as a decoy for the Ass Crack Bandit in the hopes of catching him (or her) red-handed. Annie and Jeff follow a lead to Professor Bublitz (Special Cameo Appearance by Ben Folds) and end up destroying his botany lab, earning the Dean’s indignation.

While he lectures them, the Bandit calls them, gives them a clue to where he is hiding. They head to the stables (Greendale has stables?!) and find…Starburns! He’s not dead (Harmon is apparently undoing everything that happened last season) and claims responsibility for the Bandit’s actions. Troy gives him a dramatic face slap. The Dean, naturally, throws a We Caught the Ass Crack Bandit Dance to celebrate.

Jeff doesn’t buy it, though. He debates the merits of this arrest while giving Annie a “platonic shoulder hold.” Jeff confirms that Starburns didn’t do it by quizzing his Dave Matthews Band knowledge. Annie runs into a drunk Duncan, who is enjoying the “Dave” song that’s playing. (I suspected him the second he returned to the show in the earlier scene.) She tries to avoid an ass crack-showing moment while escaping from him. In the fog of the party, it appears that Duncan gets his own crack treated like a coin slot (although his pretense for bending over is suspect).

Everyone gets distracted from the case when Shirley shows up with a sad announcement. Pierce Hawthorne is dead (at least for now — on Community, the dead can return as easily as they do on American Horror Story: Coven). Annie and Jeff lament the open ending of their case, unable to capture the true perpetrator, as they stare at the pouring rain. They hint that the Bandit could still be anyone (even a woman!), and we see a montage of potential — if highly unlikely — Bandits.

The final title card tells us that Starburns eventually recants his testimony, that Greendale considers Duncan the Bandit, and that no investigation is still open.

Rating

A

Community is always skilled at its genre parody episodes, and this one is no exception. It draws on the current trends in crime dramas to openly mock their formulas while also celebrating what they bring to pop culture. Again, most of the main cast is put aside as the story focuses on Jeff and Annie, but they have such great chemistry together that it can hardly be seen as a fault. Maybe next week will be less Jeff-centric?

Now for some random thoughts and my favorite moments of the night…

“Humans make better banks than piggies.” – Annie reading the Bandit’s first note.

“He should be called the run-on sentence bandit.” – Shirley commenting on the Bandit’s note.

“You can’t stop me, because what are you gonna do, not have butts?” – the Dean reading another of the Bandit’s notes.

“You want trouble? Go to Parker Brothers!” – the Dean to Annie

“Abed, you’re special. Can’t you just stand at the scene of the crime and see what happened?” –t he Dean referencing NBC’s Hannibal

“Don’t tell me what I can’t do. What are you: July’s Cosmo quiz?” – the Dean to Annie

This episode made me want to revisit Zodiac immediately.

Thousands and thousands of films are made every year. And while some of them are destined for Oscar glory and widespread Metacritic acclaim, others wind up scraping the barrel on the IMDB Bottom 100. What makes these films so universally despised? Are they all really that bad? And, seriously, what’s the deal with From Justin to Kelly? We’ll answer all these questions (and hopefully more) with “Scraping the Barrel,” in which we review the ENTIRETY of the bottom 100, in order.

In today’s installment, Ryan Poynter takes a closer look (when he’s able to uncover his eyes) at #92, 2009′s Dream Well.

(Editor Note: We realize the Bottom 100 has changed slightly since we began this series. Our master list was frozen on July 17th.)

The Gist:

Regina, a manufacturer-recalled Barbie lookalike, acts out some Bring It On fanfiction and spends a lot of time in her underwear in this hard-to-find foreign film.

Those Who Shall Be Held Responsible: Written and Directed by Gábor Forgács

IMDB Stats: #92, 2.4 rating

The Straight Dirt:

Dream Well almost doesn’t exist. There’s nothing about it on Netflix, and Googling the title yields only the IMDB page, a lackluster Wikipedia entry, then some neat info on a retired racehorse by the same name and an apparently pretty popular hypnotist in Texas. Not much to go on. Amazon was also no help, but they did offer to sell me a trading card from a Magic: The Gathering collection, 216 ounces of soy milk, and a therapeutic sleep mask based on my search. Then eBay asks me, “Did you mean: ‘dream wall’?” (Because that’s definitely a thing).

Even searching for “Álom.net,” Dream Well’s original Hungarian title, produced only one substantial result: a listing for a sealed copy of the film shipped straight from Hungary for the low, low price of $31.50 USD. Probably a steal for something so rare, if there were any collector’s market for this kind of movie (Spoiler: there isn’t). Imagine a copy of Dream Well showing up for sale in an episode of Pawn Stars.

Eventually, I did manage to find the movie available for stream on some foreign website littered by popup ads that decided to auto-play about once every 30 minutes as I was watching. Considering all it took to get to that point, though, I should probably feel privileged to have even had a chance to watch the film at all.

But I really don’t. I’m not totally sure what I feel, but I know it isn’t that. The version of Dream Well I got to see was voiced entirely in Hungarian with no English subtitles, which means I had to rely on set pieces, visual cues from the actors, and the film’s soundtrack to follow plot progression and figure out how I was supposed to react. This worked out better than I expected it to. Here’s a short synopsis of the movie as best as I could interpret it:

Regina (pronounce the G like in “go”), the film’s leading lady, is a bitchy blonde with an enormous sense of entitlement and an underwear collection she likes to model for her neighbors. She is the captain of her cheerleading team and the most popular girl in her high school until, as fate would have it, she is abruptly transferred across town to a much more conservative rival school despite lots of screaming I couldn’t translate and plenty of awkward fake tears.

As one might expect, Regina immediately becomes an outcast amongst her new classmates, save for one nerdy-but-charming boy who instantly sees past her haughty exterior and falls in love with whatever is beneath it (since I don’t speak Hungarian, all I saw was the underwear).

The rest of the film chronicles her rags-to-riches transformation from private school reject back to cheer captain and homecoming queen. Along the way, Regina manages to somehow win the affections of her teachers, the school’s principal, and (surprise) even Lívia, her dark-haired archenemy and the school’s second-most popular girl — all of whom hate her initially.

In the middle of all that, there’s a shopping montage where all the girls on Regina’s cheering team get haircuts that all look worse than the ones they had before (maybe some kind of hazing ritual?) and a weird go-karting sequence full of dashboard close-up shots and split-screen edits straight out of Speed Racer, except really bad. Finally, the plot reaches its peak near the end during a bumbling squad vs. squad dance-off against Regina’s old cheer team during halftime of the most unconvincing game of basketball I’ve ever seen. This is all backed by a soundtrack from what sounds like a crappy Hungarian Kidz Bop cover band.

Just in case you were thinking of pulling the trigger on that $31.50 copy on eBay, here’s your warning: I’m about to spoil the ending for you. Sorry. The good guys win the game on a last second shot. They celebrate by starting a fist fight between the two teams, which looked to me more like a group of 15 drunk dudes all trying to hug each other without using their arms. Her old cheerleading friends and spiky-haired douche of an ex-boyfriend are all super embarrassed. Regina eventually comes to her senses and decides to love the nerdy guy back. She, her new boyfriend and all her friends cap off the greatest day of their young lives at a magical homecoming dance, where she is voted queen. That’s it. Credits roll, and Dream Well crawls back into the hole I spent far too much time coaxing it out of.

Consensus: There’s a reason it’s so damn hard to find.

Should be IMDB Score: nulla

Random Quotes:

Couldn’t tell ya…

Movie: Her
Writers: Spike Jonze
Director: Spike Jonze
Studio: Annapurna Pictures / Warner Bros.

Rating: 10/10

“The past is just a story we tell ourselves.”

What, then, is our future? The not-so-distant one envisioned in Spike Jonze’s Her — a truly brilliant and masterfully detailed marrying of dystopian and utopian landscapes — answers that great unasked question with an initially troublesome but eventually joyful counter question:

How do we learn to stop ignoring the present?

At its core, this is the story of chronically isolated Theodore (the always great Joaquin Phoenix), vying for human connection in the wake of his wife’s permanent departure (extended by his hesitance to sign divorce papers). His day job as a “surrogate letter-writer” for those couples “too busy” to do it themselves provides glimpses into the emotions he once felt for his wife, though only through vicarious and tragically impassioned passages about other people’s lives.

What drives Theo to excellence as a “letter-writer” is exactly what drives him to eventually fall in love with his new computer operating system (voiced by a charming, never-actually-seen Scarlett Johansson): He just wants to share his life with someone again. He wants to see the future as something worth anticipating.

In one particularly touching scene, Theo says, “Sometimes I think I have felt everything I’m ever gonna feel. And from here on out, I’m not gonna feel anything new. Just lesser versions of what I’ve already felt.”

In this way, Theo is me. Theo is you. After all, mankind’s greatest love story is its dense, exponentially chaptered love affair with itself. We toot our own proverbial horn. We memorialize the mundane. We bathe in nostalgia — each act an attempt to simply connect.

Yet, as shown beautifully in Theo’s journey, it’s often these very acts of attempted connection which prevent us from actual connection. Aside from the emotional dilution spurred by such behavior, we often lose sight of the Now by being so obsessed with the Before and the After. Of course, doing so affects the Before and the After in ways we generally ignore. By hopelessly pining for one’s own idealistic future (utopia), one surely alters it repeatedly (bursts of mild dystopia).

Jonze has given us a remarkable meditation on what it means to be human in the digital age, yes; but he’s also given us a classic love story — i.e. disillusioned lonely person seeks companionship to make life worth living. It’s a story oft-told, but worth telling again and again, as it is our greatest story — the story of everything.

How, then, do we learn to stop ignoring the present — the Now? I haven’t a fucking clue, but I would guess it starts with learning to truly see the people around us.

Jonze seems to think so too.

SPOILER ALERT, so proceed with caution, Girls fanatics…

Season Three, Episode One: “Females Only”

Written & Directed by: Lena Dunham

Jessa’s in rehab! But more on that a bit later.

When we last invaded the respective head spaces of Hannah (Lena Dunahm), Marnie (Allison Williams), Shoshanna (Zosia Mamet), and Jessa (Jemima Kirke), the art of growing up seemed an inevitable mastery for each of them — even Jessa, who suddenly disappeared at the end of season two.

However, as brilliantly displayed in the first episode of season three, each character’s level of mastery in such pathos rests at very disparate places on the metaphorical growth chart.

Quick Breakdown:

Hannah and Adam (Adam Driver), it appears, have developed into a selfless, loving united front of sorts. As longtime watchers can attest, it’s relieving to see Hannah in a healthy and sustainable relationship. Adam’s past shortcomings, however, are definitely still ghosting him, as evidenced by a beautifully awkward coffee shop exchange involving — among other things — unfounded pregnancy accusations and spoiled baby formula. Hannah’s e-book (the source of a possible lawsuit in season two) is also coming along swimmingly, and its exponential traction clearly has Hannah in good spirits.

Marnie and Charlie (Christopher Abbott), on the other hand, have broken up again (apparently following a planned pizza date night). Marnie takes comfort in Adam’s characteristically out-of-left-field profundity regarding the difference between what she feels for Charlie and what she would feel if it were, for lack of a better phrase, true love.

Following her season two break-up with Ray (Alex Karpovsky), Shoshanna is practicing a “one day on, one day off” approach to her final semester of college — i.e. one day of intense coursework, one day of limitless anti-responsibility, so on. Shoshanna’s character is noticeably diminished in this episode, serving as — more or less — background fodder. Further episodes, of course, could prove this to be intentional.

And, yes — Jessa is in rehab. Jessa has consistently been my favorite non-Hannah character on Girls, and this episode was no exception. Her biting wit and confrontational honesty play well in a group therapy atmosphere.

Rating:

A

As mentioned in the breakdown, it’s surprisingly appealing to see Hannah and Adam beneath the glowing light of “healthy relationship.” There are some truly compelling signs of emotional maturity (relationship-wise, at least) scattered throughout this episode, most notably the way each of them react to the coffee shop incident at the beginning of the episode.

Overall, however, this episode (temporarily excluding Hannah and Adam’s figured-it-outness) quietly boosts the show’s repeatedly proven thesis that the art of growing up is a perpetual work-in-progress — meaning plenty of post-Woody Allen existential turmoil for seasons to come.

Now for some random thoughts and my favorite moments of the night…

“I’m not interested in anything they have to say. That’s not the point of friendship.” — Hannah to Adam, when discussing her friends.

Note a rather fantastic rehab appearance by Orange is the New Black standout Danielle Brooks.

SPOILER ALERT, so proceed with caution, Girls fanatics…

Season Three, Episode Two: “Truth or Dare”

Written by Jenni Konner; Directed by Lena Dunham

This episode, a sort-of tongue-in-cheek half-nod to the road trip as plot device, is loaded with even more signs of how much Hannah and Adam have grown as a couple (a much-welcomed continuation from the first episode of the season). Viewers are also gifted with some memorable Adam moments (Adamoments?).

Quick Breakdown:

There’s a moment early in this episode wherein viewers are subjected to a brief but brilliant display of Adam’s uniquely disarming anti-charm. As Hannah and Shoshanna sing along passionately to some Maroon 5 gobbly goop on the radio in their rental car (en route to pick up Jessa from rehab), Adam silently drives with disciplined intent. Until, of course, he unleashes his fist on the dashboard — banging apeishly until the music stops (Imagine the fee he’ll pay later when turning the car in!)

We see Marnie moving into a new apartment as she talks on the phone with Hannah, who initially tries to lie about her whereabouts, but — within seconds — spills the beans about the road trip. Marnie doesn’t exactly seem bothered by this, and we don’t see her again for the rest of the episode.

The rest of the time is rather satisfyingly spent watching Hannah face the realization that this road trip won’t exactly provide the creative spark she was assuming. When she tries to force the typical road-trip-coming-of-age-realization moment with Shoshanna (after more or less kicking Shoshanna out of their hotel room to quickly have sex with Adam), Shoshanna humorously demolishes Hannah’s entire moment with the simple but likely true accusation of “That’s a really sad story, but I think you’re remembering that wrong.”

In other news: Jessa doesn’t seem profoundly thankful for Hannah’s road trip rescue (we even learn that Hannah didn’t have to come at all, as the rehab facility has a loose open-door policy), though Hannah is quite thankful to see Jessa again. Adam seems skeptical of Jessa’s intentions, and I suspect Jessa’s reappearance might, unfortunately, put a fresh stress on Hannah and Adam’s relationship.

Rating:

B +

This episode is beautiful, if only for the scene in the woods, wherein Adam suddenly parks the car and proclaims that it’s time to hike. Hannah opts out, choosing instead to dive into some This American Life alone. This provides Shoshanna a moment to compliment Adam’s role in his relationship with Hannah, prompting Adam to succinctly sum up his love for Hannah with a simple, beautiful sentence (I won’t ruin it for you here).

Now for some random thoughts and my favorite moments of the night:

“She’s like a life addict.” — Hannah talking about Jessa to Marnie

Adam’s unintentional but direct quoting of The Rolling Stones’ “Can’t Always Get What You Want,” delivered with a perfect uneasiness as he realizes he has fallen into a trite pop culture reference.

(SPOILERS AHEAD, so proceed with caution, you Mother lovers!)

Season Nine, Episode 14: “Slapsgiving 3: Slappointment in Slapmarra”

Written by: Carter Bays & Craig Thomas; Directed by: Pamela Fryman

Marshall still has two slaps left to give Barney (from their bet seven years ago); and, before going on Christmas break, we saw Marshall begin to slap Barney. This week picks up at the slap, but then flashes back to an episode-long backstory to Marshall’s motivation for this particular slap. It’s a convoluted tale that stalls the forward momentum of the show, but at least it’s entertaining.

Quick Breakdown

Sunday 1 a.m., 17 hours before the wedding.

Dramatic music plays as Marshall goes to slap Barney in slow motion. Before his palm reaches Barney’s cheek, the slap is interrupted by the opening credits sequence. Afterwards, the dramatic slow motion resumes as Marshall’s palm inches closer to Barney’s cheek. Before making contact, however, Future Ted tells us that Marshall has been preparing for this particular slap for a while.

A few weeks earlier, the gang was sitting at their booth at McLaren’s. Marshall reveals to them, mostly for Barney’s benefit, the tale of his arduous quest to learn the ability to deliver the slap of a million exploding suns. This particular quest requires him to master Speed, Strength, and Accuracy from the learned masters of Slapistry.

In The Cruel Tutelage of Red Bird, his trip takes him to Shanghai, where he seeks out Red Bird (who looks a lot like Robin) to teach him about Speed. She takes him to the Fabled Slapping Tree of Gong Ching Forest, where Marshall must learn to out-slap the Slapping Tree. As he recounts his tale, Barney interjects his disbelief, despite the others affirming every word of Marshall’s tale. During this, the jukebox skips, and Marshall goes over to fix it. He slaps it a little to get it back in sync, and instead it collapses in on itself. Barney shows a little fear, but he just thinks Marshall used a fake jukebox. Marshall also goes into a trance, saying he’ll slap Barney under a willow tree with four women and a tiger, but the gang dismisses this premonition.

In The Punishing Scholarship of White Flower, Marshall seeks out the Master of Speed (who greatly resembles Lily). After making love to her in the Gong Ching Forest (which Lily is OK with), she tells him to seek out those who hate Barney Stinson to harness their anger. Every time one of them slaps him, his own slap strength will increase. A quick montage of women that Barney has slept shows them slapping Marshall (It’s hard to recognize all the women, but there were definitely a few noticeable ones). With all their anger harnessed in his fist, Marshall is ready for the next, and final, trial.

In The Some-Might-Call-It-Nitpicky-But-It’s-Really-Just-Thorough Schooling of The Calligrapher, Marshall travels all the way to Cleveland to find the final master (who, as you can imagine, looks just like Ted). Before he can reveal his secrets, he chokes on his noodles and Marshall slaps him on the back to save him. However, because his training was unfinished, his slapping power is not controlled and he slaps the heart right out of The Calligrapher.

This means that Marshall is merely a Slapprentice. So, in the present, his dramatized slow motion slap misses the mark, and Barney runs away in fear. He runs into the forest and ends up in front of a willow tree with four women and a tiger (on a blanket they are embroidering). There Marshall finally delivers his terrifying blow to Barney’s face. But not before he reveals that The Calligrapher did teach him his secrets in his dying breathes, making a Marshall a true Slap Master.

Barney stands back up and asks if that jukebox was fake, and Marshall replies in the affirmative. Afterwards, with a red palm mark on his cheek, Barney is warned by Marshall that there is one more slap coming.

Rating

B

While not really advancing any sort of story beyond the slap bet, the convoluted story about Marshall’s slap quest is still amusing. It’s the kind of absurd story we enjoy and expect from HIMYM. But if this wasn’t enough for you, next week Barney is unable to lie, and we can finally get some answers from him.

Now for some random thoughts and my favorite moments of the night…

“Grammar is the first step on the thousand-mile journey to Accuracy.” – The Calligrapher

As Barney is about to be slapped for real, Robin says, “I love you.” He responds, “Enough to take this slap for me?” She quietly says, “No,” and walks away.

In the tag ending, Boyz II Men perform a soulful song about slaps while we get a montage of slaps from the show’s past.

Credit: Brownie Harris, FOX

SPOILERS AHEAD (or, um be-head?), so duck and cover, Sleepy Hollow fans!

Season One, Episode 11: “The Vessell”

Written by: Melissa Blake; Directed by: Romeo Tirone

After a month-long break, the danger in Sleepy Hollow is still ever-present. Yet much of the energy feels lost after so many weeks without our team of Apocalypse fighters. This week finds Irving trying to save his daughter from demonic possession while the others learn about Jenny’s own demonic past.

Quick Breakdown

After being verbally assaulted in the park, Irving brought in the offender for questioning. But we know that the man passed his demonic possession onto another woman. She arrives at the station for questioning as well, but the demon passes on to an officer instead. Irving is confounded by the witness’ lack of memory and feels like he’s going crazy. He gets a call threatening his daughter –  the deep, demonic voice claims he will posses his daughter unless he delivers Washington’s Bible. Irving checks the caller ID and realizes that the call is coming from inside the station. Irving tackles the officer making the call, but not before the demon jumps into the body of another officer — Jones.

Irving is freaked out, and calls his priest. He advises Irving to take Macey, Irving’s daughter, to a safe house and he’ll meet him there. Irving grabs his two best men — Jones and Morales — and takes them with him and his family to the safe house. Before running off though, he tells his drama to Abbie and Crane, urging them to find a way to stop the demon.

In the Archives, they find a video of Corbin performing an exorcism…on Jenny. They try to watch the video to discover how he saved Jenny, but the video cuts out at the worst possible moment. They call in Jenny to help, and she confesses some interesting facts about that time in her life. She’d been haunted by that demon for years, being told in her head to kill Abbie. She was so worried about these thoughts that she would purposefully get arrested to avoid Abbie.

She doesn’t remember much from the exorcism, but with some excessive viewing, they discover the demon’s name: Ancitif. (He’s famous for having possessed a bunch of nuns.) The Bible tells them there is a special lamp that can be used to dispel the demon. Crane is familiar with the lamp since the French sent some over during the Revolutionary War. Yet Jenny knows something more helpful, she’s seen the lamp in the possession of the Weavers, some very patriotic men she has helped in the past. Crane also proves adept at using a remote and freeze-frames the video so they can see that salt can be used to trap the demon.

The priest also knows that salt is a helpful preventative for demonic possession and spreads it around the entryways of the safe house (a cabin off in the forest). Jones and Morales see this, but only one of them knows what’s up. The demon has transferred into Morales’ body, and he convinces Jones to remove the salt from the doorway. He then dispatches with Jones, leaving his body in the bushes (Irving never seems to notice that he’s missing one of his bodyguards).

Irving does his best not to frighten Macey or Cynthia, who are confused as to why they’re being sequestered in the cabin. Macey goes into her room to study, and Irving and Cynthia chat about their options on the porch. Abbie calls with an update on their situation, and Irving urges her to move quickly and do whatever it takes. He then gets a call from Morales, but it’s actually the demon telling him to come back into the cabin.

Irving finds Morales on the floor and Macey’s wheelchair empty. She’s actually floating in the air in the living room, fully possessed by Ancitif. He kills the priest and threatens Cynthia’s life, telling Irving to take him to the Bible. He relents, but not before he calls Abbie to cryptically relay what’s going on.

The others race to the Weaver’s compound, where Abbie and Crane break into their storage container to grab the lantern. On their way out, the men confront them with heavy artillery. But Jenny is packing some high-powered guns as well, and she gets everyone out alive. With lamp in hand, they head to the Archives to save Irving and his daughter.

Irving can’t find the Bible at the Archives, and Ancitif gets pissed. Just as he’s about to squeeze Cynthia’s head off, Jenny shows up and has a mini-reunion with him. Abbie then pops in to say some threatening words of her own. They bait the demon who soars over to them, but he can’t quite reach them because there’s a semi-circle of salt in front of them. Crane appears and completes the circle while the girls distract Ancitif. Crane then uses the lamp, now fully lit, to dispel the demon. Everyone is OK.

Back at Corbin’s cabin/Crane’s home, Crane is mixing a little concoction with lemon juice and carbonated beverages. Abbie hands over the Bible, which Crane hid here, so Crane can perform an experiment on one of the particularly putrid-smelling pages. He suspects that invisible glow ink was used on the page and his concoction should reveal the hidden message. The ink works and they read a date: December 18^th, 1799. Crane identifies the writing as belong to George Washington, but Abbie happens to know that Washington died on the 14^th. So how did he write this date four days later?

Rating

B

The long break has killed much of this show’s momentum, and apocalyptic vibes seem out of place in the cold winter of a new year. But the story itself keeps pushing ever forward as events from the last episode pay off this week. Some revelations about Jenny’s own past also advance her character in an exciting new way, bringing the sisters even closer together. I hope she’s a full cast member next season.

Now for some random thoughts and my favorite moments of the night…

Wardrobe Update: Abbie won some sort of bet (that involved surviving to the New Year) and makes Crane try on current clothes. He comes out in a pair of skinny jeans, but his patience lasts not even two minutes. He hurries to change back into his usual garb. I guess Crane will never evolve into a fashionista, but at least Abbie suggests he try dry cleaning.

“Time’s up, Dad!” –Macey in demon voice upon being possessed by Ancitif

“I guess my social workers were right: I am a bad influence.” – Jenny after Abbie says she’ll break in to steal the lamp.

Just because the date written was four days after Washington died, how can they deduce that he was alive on that day? Couldn’t he have merely written the future date before his death? With so little context for the date, doesn’t it seem like they’re jumping to conclusions? I guess we’ll discover more next week for the two-hour season finale.

Photo Credit: Norman Wong

Broken Social Scene may or may not be hiatus, but Kevin Drew, the band’s co-founder and chief songwriter, is getting back in the solo saddle. Drew will release Darlings, his second LP, on March 18th through Arts & Crafts.

The album, Drew’s first solo effort since 2007′s Spirit If…, is being teased by first single “Good Sex,” a sprawl of glistening electric guitars, strings, and synths. “Good sex, it never makes you feel hollow,” Drew sings, “Good sex, it never makes you feel clean.” Stream the track below.

According to a press release, “Darlings shows Drew growing from his role in indie vanguard Broken Social Scene to create a breakthrough statement of personal artistry,” also spotlighting a “more focused and refined sound; more honest, revelatory songwriting, with Drew’s craft concentrated on lyrical and emotional connections, less so than guitar pedals and studio jams.”

The album was co-produced by Drew, Dave Hamelin (The Stills), and Graham Lessard. Longtime Broken Social Scene members Charles Spearin and Ohad Benchetrit will appear on the LP, along with Hamelin and Apostle of Hustle’s Dean Stone.

Here’s hoping this more refined, stripped-down approach doesn’t dampen Drew’s expansive sonic palette. “Good Sex” seems like a good indicator of the album’s direction: It’s a simpler composition, but it maintains the emotional and musical thrust of Drew’s best work.

Here’s the Darlings tracklist:

1.  Body Butter
2.  Good Sex
3.  It’s Cool
4.  Mexican Aftershow Party
5.  You Gotta Feel It
6.  First In Line
7.  Bullshit Ballad
8.  My God
9.  You In Your Were
10.  You Got Caught
11.  And That’s All I Know

(SPOILERS AHEAD, so witch your step, Coven fans!)

Season Three, Episode 11: “Protect the Coven”

Written by: Jennifer Salt; Directed by: Bradley Buecker

On this week’s America’s Next Supreme, Queenie returns to put her name back on the ballot. Meanwhile the other witches scramble to protect themselves from forces both within (Fiona, LaLaurie) and without (The Witch Hunters). And LaLaurie may have found the only way to kill an immortal.

Quick Breakdown

In 1830, Madame LaLaurie is not pleased at being relocated to New Orleans (and who can blame her?). But after being forced to chop off a chicken’s head and helping an injured slave, her taste for blood is born. While she ends up cooking the chicken for dinner, she does tie up the hurt slave and torture him to death in her attic. “I think I’m gonna like it here,” she decides.

In the present, Queenie arrives at Nan’s funeral, dragging LaLaurie (whose head Queenie reattached seamlessly) along on a leash. Everyone is surprised to learn that Queenie is alive, but she is so full of righteous indignation that she brushes aside their kind words. When Cordelia tries to invigorate her for the Coven’s cause, Queenie declares her plans to take over. She survived a shot to the stomach, so she’s convinced she’s the next Supreme.

LaLaurie is back as the Robichaux servant, and she couldn’t be more displeased. As everyone takes advantage of the centuries-old racist, she takes every opportunity to spit in their food (or, more accurately, put shit in their food). She perks up, however, when the black gardener, James, comes in with a severed finger. LaLaurie volunteers to “take care of him” and brings him up to Spalding’s doll attic to torture him to death. Spalding appears, seeing a kindred spirit, and urges her to help him get rid of Laveau (Even in the afterlife, he’s determined to spend his days looking out for Fiona). If LaLaurie gets him a very special vintage doll, he’ll give her a way to remove Laveau’s immortality.

Can the reanimated still have a period? Because Madison is stomping around like it’s that time of the month, picking fights with everyone without even a hint of provocation. She brings down a lamp on Zoe’s head when Franken-Kyle declares he loves only Zoe and doesn’t want any more blowjobs from Madison. Myrtle catches some of Madison’s rage and begins to worry about Zoe. She summons Zoe for a little chat, handing over a precious, one-of-a-kind sapphire (for hocking) and two bus tickets for Epcot. She tells Zoe to flee the coven and enjoy her love with Kyle in peace.

After Queenie bitches her out, Cordelia’s inferiority complex grows three times its size. Her attempts to reinvigorate her second sight via herbal smoothies have failed, so she does the only surefire thing she can: She gouges out her transplanted eyeballs with a garden shear. Myrtle mourns for her handiwork’s destruction but praises Cordelia’s courage to awaken her powers. Fiona is too frightened to have her secrets seen by her daughter to visit her.

Fiona has a lot going on anyway. She awakes another morning in the Axeman’s bed, and he suggests that they flee their complicated lives for a relaxing time on their own. Fiona seemingly agrees, but first she wants one huge favor. Harrison Renard (Head Witch Hunter) has invited her to some peace negotiations, which we learn he plans on reneging. She brings along Laveau to the board meeting, where they settle in and order a filthy martini and a Sprite.

Renard offers them a century-long peace treaty in exchange for a lifting of the spell they cast on his company. The overly-confident witches laugh in his face and then make some outrageous demands of their own. Renard and his men are a little perturbed by their requests, but they should be more perturbed by the mysterious figure behind them who has just locked the doors. The figure is, of course, the Axeman, and he pulls out his axe and hacks away at the witch hunters while Fiona and Laveau cheer with glee. Fiona gets to deliver the final blow to Renard herself (while Laveau sits nearby checking texts or Twitter on her phone).

LaLaurie has gotten Spalding the doll he wanted, certificate of authenticity and everything. He, in return, gives her some pills that will null Laveau’s immortality: Benadryl. LaLaurie has no idea she’s been duped and goes on to poison the drink she makes for Laveau as she celebrates the demise of the Witch Hunters. When she thinks the pills are in effect, she takes a meat cleaver to Laveau’s heart. Laveau pulls it out, annoyed, and chases after the silly servant for being so naive as to think an antihistamine could undo her. But as she chases LaLaurie, Spalding knocks her on the head with a doll and she tumbles down the elegant staircase, temporarily knocking her out. LaLaurie is at first peeved with Spalding’s deception, but he tells her to get rid of Laveau’s body while she still can, suggesting she bury the body well enough that she can’t claw herself out.

Back in his doll room, Spalding is pleased to be rid of Laveau, and he inherited her little stolen boy in return. Now he has his own live dolly. Elsewhere, Zoe must convince Kyle to flee with her. He’s reluctant at first, but after Zoe coos some lines by Keats in his ear, he is ready to flee to Epcot in a sequence that looks like it’s taken straight out of a ’90s movie.

Rating

B+

Another solid outing with many great small moments. The Witch Hunter Massacre is devilishly fun, and you can’t help but enjoy how smug the witches are with their victory. With them out of the way, the coven can focus on destroying itself from the inside. All I can think about, though, is how many characters will remain alive (or reanimated) by the end of the finale in two weeks…

Now for some random thoughts and my favorite moments of the night…

“Figs are Mother Nature’s brown diamonds; in the fall the running leaves smell like an Olympian’s ejaculate.” –Myrtle

Zoe discovers that Fiona and Laveau teamed up to murder Nan while Madison just scoffs at her concern. “Don’t you care at all?” Zoe asks. “Have you met me?” Madison intones.

“You are the worst kind of Hollywood cliché: a bobblehead with crotchless panties.” – Myrtle to Madison

“Go to hell, witch bitch.” — Renard’s last words before Fiona hacks open his neck with an axe.

Season Four Spoiler: Murphy announced that the next season will take place in the 1950s and Lange will be sporting a German accent. Apparently these final episodes will be peppered with clues for the new season, let’s see how many stand out.

SPOILERS AHEAD, so study up cautiously, Community buffs…

Season Five, Episode Four: “Cooperative Polygraph”

Written by: Alex Rubens; Directed by Tristram Shapeero

This week’s Community is the classic bottle episode of the season. Set entirely in the study room, the gang faces an inquisition into the death of Pierce. Secrets are revealed, and one character’s exit from the show is begun as well.

Quick Breakdown

The gang returns to the study after Pierce’s funeral dressed in blue robes with conical hats. He was part of a futuristic religious cult, and they make a few jokes about robots and unlocking unreal colors. But any fond remembrances they may have of Pierce are overshadowed by his lawyer’s arrival. Mr. Stone (Walter Goggins) arrives with some assistants to perform an extensive polygraph test on everyone as a private inquest into his death.

Mr. Stone reads questions off a list as Pierce wrote them. The loaded questions reveal what Pierce really thought about the group, riling them up, so they begin to turn on each other. He also reveals secrets told to him to pit the gang against each other. Like Troy and Abed still use Jeff’s Netflix account (to which he reacts far too harshly since you can now do separate profiles on one account) and Annie overcharges Troy and Abed for rent (so they can have some money “saved” up in case of emergency). Soon the entire table is arguing, but Mr. Stone silences them saying it’s time to begin. That was merely the calibration round.

Jeff is about to lead them all out of the room until Mr. Stone tells them that only those cleared of Pierce’s murder will have access to what he’s bequeathed them from his $20 million estate. Jeff warns them that Pierce is trying to “lure [them] into a labyrinth of emotional manipulation and strategic instigation,” but they stick around for the questions anyway.

Pierce’s questions continue to reveal secrets that everyone has kept from each other. He reveals (among other things) that Jeff has a collection of “trophies” of the women he slept with, that Troy’s special handshake with Abed is taken from a YouTube video, and that Abed implanted tracking devices in everyone in the group. Abed even went so far as to catfish Annie so that she would make pancakes in the morning (something she only does when happy in love). Soon everyone is shouting each other’s secrets at each other.

They soon note that it’s just like when Pierce was alive, antagonizing the gang. They don’t seem to be much better off without him. Mr. Stone reveals that there’s one more round of questions, but Jeff insists that everyone confess their secrets before, so that they have nothing to hide. A few limp secrets are revealed — Britta only gives money to homeless people when walking with someone, Shirley is passive aggressive — before they continue on.

But this round is special. Pierce has nice things to say to each of the group members, about how they inspired or affected him. And then he bequeaths random personalized gifts — an iPod Nano, a tiara — to each person along with everyone’s own cylinder of his sperm. But for Troy, whom Pierce says has the “heart of a hero,” he also leaves his shares in his company; but only if Troy rides his boat, the Childish Tycoon, around for a year to become his own man. Troy agrees, leaving everyone a little devastated by the imminent loss of their friend.

Rating

A

The bottle episodes are always some of the best. So many great lines, and the show is always at its best when the gang is all together. We also strayed from the Jeff Winger Show setup, giving everyone equal time. And now we know how they’re writing Troy off the show (next week will be his final episode).

Now for some random thoughts and my favorite moments of the night…

“Troy and Abed are in mour-ning.” – Troy and Abed’s ditty for Pierce’s funeral

Britta says, “I can’t believe Pierce thought we would murder him.” And Chang responds, “What a waste of murder. He was like 79.”

“If I wanted the government in my uterus I would fill it with oil and Hispanic voters.” –Britta when she finds out Shirley donates to a pro-life organization

“You guys are changing your faces. Are you mad at me or hungry?” – Troy after its revealed that he implanted trackers in everyone

The best running joke was everyone yelling at Stone’s assistant whenever she called them out for lying on the polygraph test.

The worst running joke was Chang’s masturbation habits.

In the tag, where Mr. Stone grabs a drink with everyone and let’s loose, he tells them that Pierce actually died from dehydration while filling up those cylinders.

Artist: 8X8
Song: “The Tie In”
Album: Azalea’s Room
Label: Self-Released

Rating: 9/10

The members of 8X8 — Lane Steinberg (The Wind, Tan Sleeve, Cracked Latin) and Ukraine-based multi-instrumentalist Alexander Khodchenko — have never met in person or spoken on the phone, but through the wonders of e-mail and file sharing, they have created a unique and captivating musical force that owes as much to progressive rock as it does The Zombies and Brian Wilson.

Their sprawling debut release, 2011′s The Anatomy of Apricot, was a revelation, and their most recent release, Azalea’s Room, is no less astonishing. The material runs the gamut — from the sultry, should-be wedding standard “Laws of Attraction” to the Who-inspired title track to a cover of the Dylan/Band classic, “Tears of Rage” (featuring a guest appearance by lo-fi legend R. Stevie Moore).

Steinberg says the piano-driven rocker “The Tie In” was added because the band needed an uptempo track to round out the album. In addition, it’s also the album’s most immediately accessible track. The timely tune was inspired by one of Steinberg’s friends “who goes out of his way to avoid the Internet for privacy reasons.” If you should also have any friends who are not currently online, tell them to log on, if for no other reason than to listen to this.

Season Three, Episode Three: “She Said OK”

Written by Lena Dunham & Jenni Konner; Directed by Jesse Peretz

Ah, yes. We finally make headway on the long but rewarding journey that is Understanding Adam. This episode, so far the most Girls-esque of the season, shines a much-anticipated light on the carefully protected inner workings of the series’ most polarizing character.

Quick Breakdown

Hannah is turning 25 and, as well-documented in pop culture, birthdays beyond, say, one’s 21st are but a stingingly direct reminder of mortality. The well-executed chaos of “She Said OK,” in true Dunham fashion, paints a less literal manifestation of this plot device.

We are introduced to Adam’s troubled sister Caroline, whose behavior and general lack of selflessness has clearly informed Adam’s own emotional growth as an adult. However, Caroline’s arrival doesn’t ruin Adam’s birthday plans for Hannah — the touchingly weird gift of his tooth on a necklace.

Marnie crashes back into the forefront of Girls with some Charlie-leaked viral video embarrassment and some equally uncomfortable karaoke with Hannah. It’s nice to see Marnie back in the mix.

Ray and Shoshanna share that inevitable party moment of post-breakup semi-closure. Ray, however, makes the exchange painfully direct, essentially just using the moment to clarify that he isn’t a failure. In fact — according to him — he’s doing quite well; at least until…

…fight. An actual fight.

Rating

A

The groundwork vibe of episodes one and two pays off quite nicely in a tidy, classic display of exactly why this show really works.

Now for some random thoughts and my favorite moments of the night…

“”I’m sorry, I don’t think I want to be friends with you. I just don’t. I don’t want to be polite with you. I don’t want to have small talk with you. Anyway, enjoy your evening. Enjoy your life. Cool cigarette.” — Ray to Shoshanna

Note to world: a directionless fist fight is a very reasonable response to someone stopping a timeless Smashing Pumpkins track for some depressingly hideous LMFAO.

SPOILERS AHEAD, so proceed with caution, you Mother lovers!

Season Nine, Episode 15: “Unpause”

Written by: Chris Harris; Directed by: Pamela Fryman

This week delves into HIMYM lore when Barney gets so drunk he answers questions honestly. (Who knew he was even capable of that?) Meanwhile, Lily and Marshall unpause their argument to disastrous effect. And we learn the names of Ted’s children (They’ll literally try to appease us with any random thing).

Quick Breakdown

In 2017, Ted and The Mother prove that they are the most insufferable couple ever as they spend yet another weekend at the Far Hampton Inn. (Do they actually just live there in the future? Does Ted buy her the Inn as a wedding anniversary present or something?) This time, the Mother is super preggers and going into labor (supposedly a week early). But it’s just now 2:00 a.m., and as Ted reminds us, his mother warned him that “nothing good happens after 2:00 a.m” (which is also the name of a season one episode, if you’ll recall).

In the present, Barney is still complaining about Marshall’s slap — his face still has a giant hand mark on it. Lily is trying to get Marshall to go back to the room because they need to unpause their huge argument (They’re notorious for pausing and unpausing arguments), so Marshall stalls by buying another round of drinks. But as is ominously revealed, it’s 2:00 a.m. on Sunday morning (16 hours before the wedding — or one month or so in our lives). Lily forces him to go upstairs and unpause their argument.

Ted and Robin try to get drunk Barney up to bed as well, because he’s regressed to Jabba Drunk (the highest known level of intoxication for Barney, when he begins to speak in gibberish reminiscent of Jabba the Hut). Suddenly, Barney begins speaking clearly, volunteering random thoughts that are out of character for him. Ted asks him who’s taller between them, and Barney replies that Ted is because he, Barney, wears lifts in his shoes. Ted then realizes that Barney has reached a new level of intoxication: Truth Serum Drunk. Things are about to get interesting for Ted and Robin.

In the bedroom, Marshall is prepared for the worst. But before unpausing the argument, Lily needs some lovin’ from her Marshmallow. Knowing that their argument will resume when they’re finished, Marshall pumps himself up for a long night of lovemaking.

Ted delves right into quizzing Barney, finally asking him what exactly he’s done with Ted’s mother (but he asks for it in baseball terms). Barney answers with, “I got thrown out trying to stretch a single into a double.” Robin then asks the question that’s very much on her mind. She asks him why he keeps saying “ring bear” instead of “ring bearer,” flat out asking him if there will be a bear at the wedding. But Barney returns to Jabba Drunk, and they must feed him more scotch to get him back to Truth Serum Drunk.

He answers questions about record number of women he’s slept with (in one night: four; in one family: three). But when he answers a question they’ve put to him often over the seasons (“What do you do for a living”), he seems to respond with his usual dismissive, “please.” Until Ted intuits that there’s more to that “please” than first appears.

A long time ago, Barney was a hippie, and a Jerky Bro stole his girlfriend from him. So Barney transformed (Darth Vader style) into a revenge-seeking bro (see the season one episode “Game Night”). What we learn now is that he sought out a job with said Jerky Bro, and that job involved the acronym PLEASE: Provide Legal Exculpation And Sign Everything. Essentially, Barney got a job signing “sketchy, legally-binding documents that could implicate [him] for God-knows-what,” for which he was paid 16 “craploads” a year (his suit budget is one crapload).

Meanwhile, Marshall has sexed his wife into sleep (with the aid of some of Barney’s sexual enhancement pills). As he creeps into bed, Lily flips on the light, ready to unpause. They yell at each other about their betrayals, Lily saying that they’re still moving to Italy anyways. She claims that she has never done anything as personally selfish as Marshall did. (Apparently, Lily’s far more recent dream to be an art dealer falls under the same umbrella as Marshall’s lifelong dream of a judgeship.)

Then Marshall throws out the wild card: Lily had been exceptionally selfish when she broke up with him at their wedding and moved to San Francisco. Lily tries to call him out, claiming they’d moved past that; but that was a pretty crappy thing to do. Lily storms off and makes a call to someone on the lobby phone who then drives by to pick her up (Any chance that person is The Mother?).

Ted and Robin begin to lecture Barney for his job, since he’s essentially that company’s legal scapegoat. But Barney has a Master Plan. Two months after the wedding, he brings in the FBI to take everyone down, thus completing his revenge for the theft of his girlfriend. With that question settled, Robin brings up the bear subject again. He evades a direct answer saying that Trevor Hudson will be the ring bearer and that he, Barney, works with Trevor’s mother. Robin sighs in relief and goes to bed, with Ted accepting the responsibility of wasted Barney.

In the future, Ted is helping The Mother get into the car so they can go to the hospital. He’s holding their daughter, whose name is Penny. And Ted is excited to get to the hospital so baby Luke can be born (I guess he got his Star Wars name).

Rating

A

After the big stall of an episode last week, this one at least gives us answers to many lingering series-wide questions (a very satisfying installment in this bizarre final season). I’m not sure if I expected resolution yet for Marshall and Lily’s fight, but Lily running away was a nice twist. Hopefully she realizes that she’s in the wrong, at least a little bit (or are you Team Lily?).

Now for some random thoughts and my favorite moments of the night…

“Screw tomorrow, we go big tonight.” – Everyone’s motto at the beginning of the episode (which is now my life motto).

“No distracting me with your calves.” – Lily to Marshall as they unpause their argument.

As they discuss Barney’s income, it’s revealed that Robin stands to inherit a vast fortune. Ted gets annoyed that he had to pay for every date they went on.

In the tag ending, a man in a dark cell drags along a chain intoning the name Trevor Hudson. Looks like Robin may not be in the clear after all.

Nothing says “Grammy Awards” like skull-crushing stoner-metal. Queens of the Stone Age will close out the 56th annual Grammys (held Sunday, January 26th) with an all-star performance featuring Fleetwood Mac’s Lindsey Buckingham, Queens collaborator/Foo Fighters frontman Dave Grohl, and Nine Inch Nails.

It’s shaping up to be an epic night for the Queens: Their monstrous 2013 LP, …Like Clockwork, is nominated for Best Rock Album and Best Engineered Album, Non-Classical, while the blistering “My God Is the Sun” is up for Best Rock Performance.

After their big night among rock royalty, the band will head back out on the road, kicking off a two-month run January 30th in Raleigh, North Carolina. (Full dates are below.)

So what do you think? Will the Queens + NIN + Buckingham + Grohl jam be a mind-blowing experience or an awkward clusterfuck? Anyone else that should jump on-stage and play tambourine?

Jan. 30th 2014 – Memorial Auditorium – Raleigh, NC
Jan. 31th 2014 ­ Township Auditorium – Columbia, SC
Feb. 1st 2014 ­ Tennesse Theatre – Knoxville, TN
Feb. 3rd 2014 – Florida Theatre – Jacksonville, FL
Feb. 4th 2014 – Mahaffey Theater – Saint Petersburg, FL
Feb. 5th 2014 – The Fillmore Miami Beach at The Jackie Gleason Theater – Miami Beach, FL
Feb. 7th 2014 – Hard Rock Live – Orlando, FL
Feb. 9th 2014 – Bayou Music Center – Houston, TX
Feb. 10th 2014 – Majestic Theatre – San Antonio, TX
Feb. 11th 2014 – Abraham Chavez Theatre – El Paso, TX
Feb. 13th 2014 – The Joint – Las Vegas, NV
April 12th 2014 – Indio, CA – Coachella Valley Music and Arts Festival
April 19th 2014 – Indio, CA – Coachella Valley Music and Arts Festival
May 14th 2014 – Tulsa, OK – Brady Theater
May 16-18th 2014 – Gulf Shores, AL – Hangout Music Festival

SPOILERS AHEAD (or, um be-head?), so duck and cover, Sleepy Hollow fans!

Season One, Episodes 12 & 13: “The Indispensible Man”/”Bad Blood”

Written by: Damian Kindler & Heather V. Regnier/Alex Kurtzman & Mark Goffman; Directed by: Adam Kane/Ken Olin

In this week’s two-hour season finale, the writer’s promised some crazy plot twists and cliffhangers as they finish off their incredible first season. The writers were not being modest; they packed this finale with some incredible twists that I doubt have been seen on TV before. I’m honestly still reeling from the ending, so maybe I should just start from the beginning of the episode.

Quick Breakdown

Crane is frustrated as he tries to figure out the meaning behind Washington’s date in the Bible and as he tries to text Abbie. At her home, Abbie is amused by Crane’s typos, but her smile fades as she discovers Brooks is there. He warns her about the prophecy, how Crane will give her soul to Moloch. (While that seems out of character, obviously at some point she’ll have to trade her soul for Katrina’s — that’s the only way this prophecy could play out.) As Crane dredges up memories of Washington, he’s reminded of a conversation they had about Lazarus. A quick consultation with another Bible reveals that Washington’s has 10 extra verses in that chapter, and they have a concealed message.

The hidden message is from Washington (dated four days after his death) for Crane. He reveals that when he died they preserved his body with some cursed prayer beads that allowed him to resurrect a few days later. Being a zombie, Washington discovered a way to travel from Purgatory into the real world, and he drew a map of instructions for Crane to use in the War on Evil.  With no idea how to find the map, Crane consults a list of those who helped Washington’s zombie transformation and realizes that Knapp, the warlock priest from the pilot, was in on the whole thing. The beads he was buried in would contain memories of what happened, and since they’re cursed, a sin eater could uncover those secrets.

In an underground tunnel, Brooks cries out for Moloch to make him into his emissary of evil, or some such nonsense. Moloch obliges and sends a plague of locusts to wrap him in some demonic cocoon. When he emerges, he looks like an alien version Brooks, clearly more powerful.

At the cemetery, they have called in Parrish for another mission. He tries touching the beads but gets burned. Abbie says they must be hexed to prevent evil from accessing their memories. She suggests they find another way to hunt down the map, but Parrish insists he can do it. This time, he holds on long enough to get a few glimpses of Knapp’s memories before he is thrown from the tomb. With his brief clues, they deduce that the map must be buried with Washington, and they have a few location clues as to wear that is.

Sleepy Hollow enters into Dan Brown territory as Crane uses Masonic techniques to uncover Washington’s hidden grave. Inside are pyramidal tombs and other elaborate accouterments. Crane warns that the place is booby trapped, and with his deductive Masonic reasoning, finds the hidden tomb of Washington. When he inserts his key into the giant crest, the tomb comes out. The map is located in Washington’s skeletal hands, but before they can read it, super demonic Brooks arrives, blocking the entrance with a giant slab of stone.

He attacks them and nearly chokes Abbie to death. She tries to tap into his inner humanity — the humanity that is in love with Abbie. Parrish touches his arm, and it summons up Brooks’ humanity. He urges Abbie to burn the map before she puts a hole in his head. She then trips one of the booby traps (on purpose), which makes the tomb crumble into itself, burying Brooks’ body as it starts to rise.

With the entrance blocked, Crane channels more Robert Langdon symbolical knowledge to lead them out the secret exit. He studies the map in his lamplight. Abbie tells him that they need to destroy the map or else Moloch will use it to unleash his purgatory army. Even though this is the key to saving Katrina, Crane says he values the world and Abbie too much not to destroy the map. Maybe they’ll find some other way to save his wife.

Meanwhile, Irving is dealing with an investigation into the deaths at his cabin in the woods. They don’t buy that “evil” was responsible for the murders, so they begin taking DNA from Irving’s family to see if it matches what was at the crime scene. Before they can accuse Macey of the murders (as ludicrous as that would be), Irving turns himself in for the crimes. But we’ll have to wait until next season to see if and how Irving can clear his name.

Not long later (just a day or two?), Parrish awakes with a dream of Moloch calling forth the second horseman, War. He will rise at the solar eclipse that night. The full gang (Abbie, Crane, Jenny, and Parrish) gathers to figure out this new threat. They need Katrina to bind the horseman to his grave, and Crane has conveniently been able to recreate the map using his photographic memory. Abbie gives him some crap for that, before agreeing to go with him to Purgatory.

They triangulate the entrance and do a chant to shatter the wall between worlds. Parrish warns them that if they eat or drink anything in there, they will trapped forever. Abbie awakes in the bed at Corbin’s cabin, a bandage on her head, and a living Corbin and Brooks looking over her. She’s in an alternate life where she went to Quantico instead of staying in Sleepy Hollow. Crane has a similar problem as he discovers that his father (Victor Garber) is welcoming him into a professorship at his school in London, having overcome his issues with his son. Both are about to partake in food and drink as they suddenly remember the other and realize they’re dreaming.

Their alternate worlds crumble away, and Crane stumbles upon Abbie in the far more frightening world of Purgatory. Lost souls roam around the eerie landscape, unsettling the two as they hunt down the church where Katrina daily lights a candle for their dead son Jeremy. She berates Crane for coming back here, and tells him that due to a supernatural technicality, she can only leave Purgatory if she trades her soul with someone else (prophecy alert!). Crane, naturally, volunteers; but Abbie won’t have it. She’s got some unfinished business with Moloch, so she stays behind, trusting Crane to come back and save her when they’ve finished saving the world.

While they’re off doing that, Abbie has tasked Jenny with listening to some tapes that Irving sent her of Corbin’s conversations with Knapp. They have to find a saint’s name, which will be a sign as told by the prophecy. As she listens, Corbin talks about an old pamphlet he found for an abandoned church. Jenny finds the pamphlet in the files, and goes to the site it indicates. The place is truly abandoned, and Corbin was just as frustrated by it, since the name of the church has been hidden. Jenny almost gives up until she sees a toppled over sign. She grabs the sign and calls Abbie. Turns out the saint’s name is literally a sign.

We don’t get to see it, but she rushes off in her car to find and warn them. But Moloch has sent an obstacle: the Headless Horseman. A couple shots from his rifle send her truck flipping over. CLIFFHANGER #1: Is Jenny dead?

When Crane and Katrina leave, Moloch comes to attack Abbie. Fortunately, Katrina left her a hexed medallion to protect her from him. She staves him off and runs into the woods. Somehow she stumbles into a colorful tea party with her younger self and young Jenny. Today happens to be the anniversary of when they saw Moloch. Young Abbie tells her that they are the memories of that day, which Moloch took from them and hid here. Abbie insists they show her the memory.

Having emerged from Purgatory, Katrina does a little witch trick to find the horseman’s grave. But when they get there, Katrina doesn’t sense a body in the ground. Could this be the wrong place? Nope. Parrish says that the horseman is here. PLOT TWIST #1: Parrish is the Horseman War. He binds the two to nearby trees and recounts how he came to be there. Some 13 years ago, Moloch removed him from his grave, putting him into the real world to await his awakening for the Apocalypse.

Abbie’s stolen memory is of Moloch raising Parrish from the ground. As a witness, she had been sent to prevent it, but she was too young to do anything. After that delightful revelation, Abbie starts screaming about how she has to leave and get back to the real world. But Young Abbie tells her there’s no hope of that, because as the camera pans out we see that she is trapped in a dollhouse. CLIFFHANGER #2:  Welcome to the Dollhouse, Abbie.

But Parrish’s story isn’t quite complete. PLOT TWIST #2: Henry Parrish is actually their son, Jeremy (I would like to point out I hinted at this happening in my recap of “Golem”). After being buried alive by Katrina’s coven, his anger festered. When Moloch brought him back, he stumbled upon an abandoned church with a sign that read: St. Henry’s Parish (the same sign that lies in the back of Jenny’s overturned truck). He acquired the name, and has been slowly manipulating the others into carrying out Moloch’s prophecy. He planted the idea of a sin eater in Katrina’s mind and spread little hints around in his other encounters with everyone.

After recounting his extensive manipulations this season, his headless brother shows up. Parrish relinquishes his mother into the horseman’s care. CLIFFHANGER #3: The headless horseman rides off with Katrina (presumably to find his head?). Crane is still reeling from all these plot twists himself. Parrish unstraps him from the tree, but before Crane can recover Parrish knocks his father into a deep grave he’s opened up in the ground. He binds Crane in the grave and says, “War isn’t coming to Sleepy Hollow. It’s been here waiting all along. And now, it begins.” CLIFFHANGER #4: Parrish closes the coffin lid on his father, leaving Crane buried alive.

Rating

A++

This finale was incredible. So many awesome twists were revealed in those final 15 minutes. And the cliffhangers for all the characters rival that of the greatest cliffhangers of TV (could all these collectively be more insane than when Jack told Kate, “We need to go back!”). This exemplifies how much planning went into the entire season, with the writers layering in the various storylines that come together beautifully in the finale. And they’ve perfectly set up their season two arc (which should hopefully spawn some Game of Thrones-inspired “War is coming” posters).

Now for some random thoughts and my favorite moments of the night…

Wardrobe update: Crane stumbles onto a Revolutionary War reenactment group and discovers that they sell authentic looking clothing. Crane now has access to an entire wardrobe suited to his taste.

“Many a mickle makes a muckle” – Crane uses this phrase he got from Washington, which means that a lot of little things can add up to something larger.

“Prophecies have a nasty way of fulfilling themselves if you let them.” – Parrish

“When am I ever going to stop being surprised?” – Abbie

When Katrina says she can’t leave Purgatory, Abbie says, “Sure you can. We’ll help you pack.”

When Crane embraces Abbie before leaving her behind in Purgatory, Katrina gives them a look that could be seen as either sad or judgy. I’m sure Crane-Abbie shippers ate that scene up.

“I married a witch. How cool!” – Crane, after seeing Katrina perform a little magic.

Parrish is THEIR SON, and he is WAR! I still can’t get over how great this twist was.

After Parrish says his ominous lines and closes the grave, the shot cuts to a title card for Sleepy Hollow playing a quick soundbite of the Stones’ “Sympathy for the Devil.” This is a callback to when they used the same song in the pilot to introduce the town of Sleepy Hollow.

With their blend of jazz chops, progressive arrangements, and psychedelic flourishes, British quartet Syd Arthur have been carrying on the tradition of the progressive “Canterbury scene” of the 1970s (Caravan, The Soft Machine) — first with their debut album, On An On, and now with their follow-up LP, Sound Mirror, due out April 22nd on Harvest Records.

In addition, the band has also announced upcoming performances at Coachella and SXSW, along with February tour dates in Los Angeles and New York City.

The band first came together in 2009, carving out a niche in their home of Canterbury, England, where they built their own recording facility, dubbed Wicker Studios. But On An On (with its shifting time signatures, unusual instrumentation, and expansive grooves) earned the band a new audience state-side upon its November 2013 re-release. And with that international exposure, the band gained a bigger following on the road, touring with other like-minded experimentalists White Denim and Paul Weller.

As a sampler of the band’s psych-prog brilliance, check out their recent single “Ode to the Summer.” It’s absolutely fantastic, with Liam Magill’s elastic vocal pogoing off bluesy guitar riffs and a funky, propulsive rhythm section.

February tour dates below:

11 – Los Angeles, CA, The Echo w/Belle Brigade

13 – New York, NY, Rough Trade w/American Royalty

14 – New York, NY, Mercury Lounge

15 – Philadelphia, PA, Kung Fu Necktie

March

12 – 16 – Austin, TX, SXSW

April

12 – Indio, CA, Coachella Fest

19 – 20 – Indio, CA, Coachella Fest

SPOILERS AHEAD, so witch your step, Coven fans!

Season Three, Episode 12: “Go to Hell”

Written by: Jessica Sharzer; Directed by: Alfonso Gomez-Rejon

This week on Coven, loose story ends get tied up (through death, obviously) as the season readies itself for the finale next week. Next week’s episode is called “The Seven Wonders,” so we know to temper our expectations for any Supreme reveals this week; but we do end the episode with the final contestants who’ll be battling it out for America’s Next Supreme.

Quick Breakdown

The episode starts with a silent film depicting the Seven Wonders that a witch must perform to become the next Supreme. The trials are telekinesis; concilium (control of the mind); transmutation; divination; vitalum vitalis (balance of the scales in life); descensum (descent into the nether worlds of the afterlife); and pyrokinesis. So far, the witches have each performed one or more of these Wonders, and tonight they’ll perform even more as they try to prove to themselves that they are the next Supreme.

Cordelia has been playing with Misty’s leftover things, trying to channel her second sight to find where she is. But her sight is lacking, so she seeks out Madison who helped her tap into her powers last time. When she finally convinces Madison to let her touch her (despite Madison’s fear that she’ll learn what she did to Misty), Cordelia is still unable to see anything. It seems going Oedipal on her eyes didn’t really help.

Queenie is determined to find Laveau since she’s the only fellow black witch and she’s gone missing. Using the grimoire, Queenie tries to get in touch with Papa Legba. She awakes in Chubbie’s, the fried chicken restaurant where she used to work. She hasn’t returned for real, instead this is her own personal hell that’s she’s descended into. Papa Legba visits her, saying he’ll give her some answers if she can escape.

She does manage to escape, and Papa Legba tells her that LaLaurie chopped up Laveau into 50-odd pieces, burying them around the city. Queenie wants his help to finally destroy LaLaurie, but her immortality is tied to Laveau’s. With some legal maneuvering, she proves that Laveau can no longer uphold her deal to Papa Legba because she’s in pieces, and thus her immortality should be revoked, thus making LaLaurie vulnerable. Papa Legba laughs, impressed, and grants her wish.

Having destroyed her nemesis, LaLaurie is now giving tours at her home (and she’s wearing modern clothes!). She uses the tours to clean up her image. Queenie shows up, asking LaLaurie to follow the path of repentance to redemption. LaLaurie delivers a little monologue about how repentance nowadays is so superficial it’s laughable (“I won’t profess to be sorry because I’m not”). And with that she has failed Queenie’s test. Queenie grabs a nearby knife and stabs LaLaurie in the heart — she bleeds out, surprised that her immortality has come to such an abrupt end.

As Fiona gets her portrait painted for the Wall of Supremes, she has a sudden realization that she has about two weeks left to live, before the cancer finally kills her. She sits in her room going through heirlooms when Cordelia walks in. Fiona gives her a surprising pep talk, saying that it was stupid of her to gouge her eyes when her powers were within her all along (maybe she should have clicked her heels three times instead?). She gives Cordelia a black necklace that belonged to her mother, and when she puts it on, Cordelia has a dark and startling vision.

A darkened manor is spattered with blood. Madison’s head is impaled on the second floor landing, her blood dripping onto the first floor the only sound. Zoe is impaled on a stake up on the wall. Misty is dead on the piano. Queenie has a stake in the head. And poor Cordelia looks like she was shot at point blank. Looming over her body is Fiona, who snatches the necklace back off her daughter. (For some reason Myrtle is not there; I assume because she could never be the next Supreme.)

Cordelia awakes from the vision back in her mother’s bedroom. She calmly asks for the matching ring for the necklace. A plan is born in her mind, however, and she goes to the Axeman. She warns him about Fiona’s plan, mocking him for falling in love with her heartless (and soulless!) mother. He’s apprehensive about her warnings.

With her confidence back, Cordelia grabs Misty’s things again, calling out for her. She pricks herself with Misty’s earring and locates her in the cemetery. Being blind, she brings along Queenie for the labor portion (“When the rest of the world sees a wall, we see a window”). She coaches Queenie, convincing her to bust open the tomb. With a little concentration she brings the coffin right out of the wall. But Misty isn’t breathing, so Queenie uses a little vitalum vitalis (the witch’s equivalent of CPR apparently).

At the manor, Madison is complaining to Myrtle about the place being so empty. In storms Zoe, with Franken-Kyle behind her. Myrtle berates her for returning from their lovefest, but Zoe says they don’t belong in the real world — her place is here as the Supreme (She performed a little vitalum vitalis on a homeless man that Kyle killed). Madison doesn’t have enough time to craft a snarky remark before Misty storms in.

She attacks Madison, and they have a little catfight. The withes let them pummel each other for awhile until Kyle finally breaks them up. Before they take another breath, the Axeman comes charging at them out of nowhere, ax raised in the air. The witches all hold their palms up at him and sing “Stop! In the Name of Love.” Well, they don’t really sing, but with their powers in sync they send him flying across the room into the staircase. Myrtle asks about the trail of blood left in his wake, and Cordelia investigates with her second sight — it’s Fiona’s.

Fiona came to visit the Axeman as Cordelia told him she would. He rifles through her purse and finds her single plane ticket. They argue, but Fiona tells him he was just a little distraction as she was dying from cancer, nothing more. When her back is turned, he lands his ax right into her, continuing to hack away at her until she’s fully dead. Cordelia relates that he then chopped her up and fed her to the alligators (just as Sean and Christian did in Nip/Tuck). As vengeance for Fiona’s death (even though they themselves were plotting it), the women go Julius Caesar on him, each of them taking turns to stab him to death.

Suddenly, a flashback: Laveau has locked LaLaurie up in her attic torture chamber, a few feet away from one of LaLaurie’s daughters. The daughter cries out for water, and Laveau feeds her LaLaurie’s blood. She grabs a hot poker, ready to stab it into the daughter as LaLaurie watches. Suddenly Laveau snaps out of her angry reverie, wondering what is going on, not wanting to harm the innocent daughter of her nemesis. This isn’t a flashback. Papa Legba appears, revealing to the both of them that they are now trapped in this personal hell he’s devised for them, since their immortality has been taken away. “Eventually, everybody pays. Everybody suffers.”

The coven gathers around Fiona’s newly hung portrait. Cordelia gives a mini-eulogy, deriding Fiona for not doing her job properly, appointing a new Supreme before her passing. So, Cordelia says that everyone will be performing the Seven Wonders: “By next week, we will have a new Supreme.”

Rating

A+

With all the villains culled from the coven, it’s time for the witches to prove themselves to each other. Assuming they don’t go all Hunger Games on each other next week, most of them should be ready to thrive under the next Supreme’s reign (once they deal with their hurt pride). But as a season finale, Ryan Murphy could easily kill off any and everyone. That’s what makes this show so much fun.

Now for some random thoughts and my favorite moments of the night…

“Respect is something that is definitely lacking round here.” – Fiona

“A man shouldn’t be disturbed when playing with his instrument.” – The Axeman to Cordelia when she barges in on him wailing on his sax.

“I wouldn’t sniff around unless you’re looking for a bout of delirium.” –Myrtle to Madison before she smells a bouquet of nightshade.

“What is the world coming to when the Supreme’s daughter has to outsource her own killings.” – Fiona to the Axeman when he tells her he assumed Cordelia visited him to convince him to take care of Fiona.

When they debate killing the Axeman, Madison says it’s justified because “he’s a psycho mass murderer.” Myrtle retorts, “Is there anyone here of whom that cannot be said?”

Let’s place bets on who’ll be America’s Next Supreme. I’m placing the odds on Zoe.

SPOILERS AHEAD, so study up cautiously, Community buffs…

Season Five, Episode Five: “Geothermal Escapism”

Written by: Tim Saccardo; Directed by: Joe Russo

It’s a Mad Max world out there as Abed institutes a school-wide lava game competition in “celebration” of Troy leaving. Just like the traditional paintball episodes, this game gets out of hand, fast. But Britta has her own mission, and it doesn’t involve the $50,000 prize.

Quick Breakdown

Annie gives Troy a universal translator as a going away present. Troy is excited, but Britta wants everyone to shed some tears over Troy leaving for a year. The Dean comes on with an announcement that Abed wants to play a school-wide game of Hot Lava as a going away present. (Hot Lava is that children’s game where you can’t touch the floor or you die.) As incentive for everyone to play, Troy is giving his mint-condition comic of Space Clone, valued at $50,000, to the winner. Chaos ensues as we begin Community: Lava World.

Britta runs into a manic Professor Duncan (apparently still at Greendale despite Ass Crack Bandit accusations) and wants his help in getting Abed to recognize his avoidance issues. Duncan chases her across chairs, trying to get her to fall into the lava. He’s knocked down by a chair piece when Jeff and Annie heroically show up. They are taking the game very seriously, to Britta’s consternation; but she agrees to join their alliance except she’s “not learning the new names for anything.”

Traveling through the hallway, they run into the Locker Boys run by Chang. They threaten to take their chairs, but Troy and Abed, Floor Striders, arrive to intimidate them. However, they are all out-intimidated when Hickey shows up on a beast of a floor machine to steamroll them all. He takes out the Locker Boys and then heads to the others.

Jeff and Annie get away, but Britta is with Troy and Abed. She tries to get Abed to accept his feelings about Troy leaving, but they abandon her instead. When Hickey comes to knock her over, he stops, shocked that they left her to die. He lets her join his machine.

Troy and Abed arrive at Shirley Island, a massive fort of chairs and tables in the cafeteria. Here all your dreams come true, “if you dream of standing on a table and pissing in a jar.” According to legend (in Abed’s head), there is a special orb hidden on the Island. Everyone is living peacefully inside the fort, until Hickey arrives with Chair Walkers (people with chairs duct taped to their feet). Britta shows up with a wild-haired makeover that would make Helena Bonham Carter proud and leads the attack on Shirley Island.

Jeff and Annie take down the Chair Walkers, but Annie falls onto the floor herself. Jeff and Britta duel with plungers, and Britta outmatches him while they argue over knock-knock jokes. Abed urges Shirley to give him the orb, but the Island is the orb. Troy and Abed emerge in a giant inflatable orb chanting “Troy and Abed in a bubble.” They attack Hickey’s machine, but he lands a jab in them with a knife.

Hickey and Britta chase the deflating bubble down the hall. Troy and Abed end up rolling downstairs into a storage room. They cling to filing shelves, but Troy wants to end the game because he’s ready to move on. Abed admits that the lines between reality and his imagination have blurred too much for him to survive.

Britta and Hickey make it downstairs with Britta screaming, “Are you guys ready for closure?” Hickey knocks over the shelves like dominos while Britta knocks Hickey onto the floor. Abed barely survives, hanging onto a rod, and he says some dramatic words before dropping into the lava and dying.

To save Abed, who died without closure, Britta encourages them to make a clone of him using cardboard boxes as a regeneration sequencer. Abed is cloned and rises onto their platform. Abed admits he’s finally ready to let Troy go, but Troy says he’s not fully ready to leave himself. Abed says Troy can just send his clone in his place. Troy smiles as he falls into the lava. Miraculously, Britta, who took the game the least seriously, wins.

As Troy leaves, he gives his farewells to the gang. He says really nice things to everyone as he hugs them. “You made a furniture fortress, you’re the badass from our study group,” he tells Shirley. As he climbs into the boat, he learns that Levar Burton has been assigned to join him on the voyage to make sure he meets Pierce’s requirements. He’s very excited to be traveling with a Star Trek actor and has many questions for him.

Rating

A-

As far as farewells go, this one has some tear-inducing moments, but it’s a satisfying end to one more of the beloved original cast members. At this point, it feels like this season is one big edition of And Then There Were None, but there shouldn’t be any more actors leaving us after this. The apocalyptic Lava World was a great spin on the big school game, and this will definitely be a classic Community episode.

Now for some random thoughts and my favorite moments of the night…

There are always so many great quotations, but they are difficult to post without all the proper context. Here are a few anyway.

Britta on Troy leaving: “Let’s not forget it’s OK to be sad, too.” Jeff’s response: “Britta, do you get kickbacks from Big Buzzkill?”

Annie upon seeing a stack of unoccupied chairs: “Mama Mahogany, feast your eyes on that stack of sticks.”

Buzz before almost killing Britta: “I’m just in it for the money. My son’s getting gay married. The flowers alone, you have no idea.” Britta: “I get it. I lived in New York.”

Magnitude screams as Shirley Island comes crashing down: “I’m actually British!”

Jeff tells Troy that he’s never left Colorado before. Is it weird I never realized Greendale was in Colorado?